I will be testing my new Large Hardon Collider tonight at 9:30 pm PST.
I apologize, in advance, if I create any mini black holes that become stable and swallow our planet, solar system, galaxy and universe.
I Nicked Myself Shaving
27 08 2008I was shaving my balls this morning
…. with a Straight Razor……
…and I sneezed
Sneezing while shaving your testicles is akin the “getting off” while having sex with a pencil sharpener…..
…or so I am told.
Knock Knock….
Who’s there?
Eunuch Who?
You Nicked yourself shaving I see
Comments : 2 Comments »
Tags : Ball Shaving, Eunuch, funny, Humor, Manscaping, Pencil Sharpeners, Sneezing
Categories : Stories That Are 85% True
Bi-Polar Bears
24 08 2008My therapist recently suggested I might be bi-polar.
I promptly responded by running around, freaking out, then curling up in the corner and crying for 20 minutes.
I did not do this because I have anything against the disease. It is just that I prefer the old school term Manic-Depressive because I believe that it more accurately reflects the theatricality and melodrama that is associated with my conditions.
Bi-Polar Just sounds like I am a sexually confused bear.
Comments : 8 Comments »
Tags : funny, Humor, Bi Polar, Bi sexual, Manic Depressive, Polar Bear
Categories : Stories That Are 85% True
Bulimia: Anorexia’s Funny Cousin
16 08 2008I once had a girlfriend that was bulimic and she said to me ,
“You will never truly understand how dirty public washrooms are until you have vomited in the toilet of every restaurant in town.”
Because I am a highly functioning binge drinking Alcoholic, I said to her ,
“ And you will never truly appreciate how clean restaurant washrooms are until you have vomited in the can of every dive bar in Vancouver.”
It was a match made in Heaven
Comments : 6 Comments »
Tags : funny, Humor, Webcomic, Webcomix, Bulimia, Anorexia, Toilet, Vomit, Alcoholic
Categories : Pop Cultural Refuse, Stories That Are 85% True
Barack Obama: Kitten Killer!!!
1 08 2008
Cincinnati, Ohio (AP)- Statistics have shown a significant increase in the kitten population in recent springs, as a result of longer mating seasons and a lower kitten mortality rate.
Florence Ohio (pop 2500) Animal Welfare Society statistics show a February 2007 cat intake of 12. The intake for February 2008 had increased to 15. Extrapolated nation wide, that amounts to an extra 360 000 kittens in February alone.
“At the moment we are absolutely over run with Kittens,” said Robert Unser, president of The Safe Haven Animal Sanctuary of Petersburg Ohio (pop 687), noting that kitten season usually ends July 28th and it was already the 30th of July.
Anecdotal evidence backs this claim up, as well. John Warner, Ohio State Trooper, said, ” I have personally seen the horrifying results of a bag of Kittens being thrown off an overpass into oncoming traffic on Interstate 74, by what I can only assume is Democrat.”
Experts* agree that the likely cause of this, both directly and indirectly, is Global Warming. The warmer springs trigger an early release of hormones in a cat’s body starting the heat cycle prematurely. The warmer springs also decrease the odds off Kittens dying, due to exposure to the elements.
Now all of the headless chickens are running around preaching about floods, hurricanes, and droughts being the only by-product of Global Warming, but none of them has ever mentioned the world would be filled with cute adorable purring Kittens. If the general population were given all the facts, would the public’s perception of Global Warming be any different?
Except serial killers and Garfield, who does not love Kittens?
Barack Hussein Obama! That’ who!
His position on Global Warming is clear;
“As a result of climate change, glaciers are melting faster; the polar ice caps are shrinking; trees are blooming earlier; more people are dying in heat waves; species are migrating, and eventually many will become extinct.”
It would seam that Barack Hussein Obama is more concerned about the melting glaciers in Canada or the plight of the endangered Iranian Cheetah, than he is the good old American Short-Hair Cat, that can be found in every small American Town from Scranton Pennsylvania to Modesto California.
John McCain is a decorated War Hero and He loves Kittens!
Barack Hussein Obama?
* Nancy Peterson, feral cat program manager of the Humane Society of the United States
Comments : 6 Comments »
Tags : Barack Obama, Global Warming, Humor, John McCain, Killer, Kittens
Categories : Fake News, Stories That Are 85% True, politics
Bozo’s out. He’s finished. It’s over for Bozo.
6 07 2008Who’s Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that’s who Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown, bar none.
George Costanza, “The Fire”
It is nearly impossible to imagine a time when clowns did not just freak everyone out; man, woman and child.
I believe there is a special circle of Hell reserved only for clowns and people that try to retell a comedians routine to their friends. It is a place roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle and every clown that has ever existed suffers from athletes foot.
I do not have any personal childhood memories of clowns. They were out of fashion in the Age Star Wars and Dukes of Hazzard. They did not come back into fashion of sorts until 1986, with the release of Stephen Kings It, and that is when the public perception of clowns changed somewhat. Gone were the images of smiling white faced Bozo’s entertaining children at birthday parties with balloon animals. In its place came the deathly pale psychotic with razor sharp teeth and a fondness for children’s flesh and souls.
The fear and trauma of child molesters now ironically manifested itself as the Clown ( when it should probably be a boy scout leader)… gone was the age of innocence.
And now one of the last remnants of the age of innocence, Larry Harmon is dead at 83.
In fine American tradition, Larry acquired the rights to the character in the 50s and franchised it out around the country, so every city could have its own Bozo on local television- one that was not the weatherman.
He watered down the brand and made it a piece of Americana and children’s programing before the advent of 24 hour toy commercial TV.
One Sunday Morning on the Way to the Joke Shop
For that he deserves a 21 squirting lapel flower Salute.
I still hate clowns!
Comments : No Comments »
Tags : Bozo, Clown, Dead Clown, Death, George Costanza
Categories : Pop Cultural Refuse, Stories That Are 85% True
Its Our Birthday and We’ll get Drunk and End up in a Mexican Jail If We Want To!
1 07 2008
The holiday formerly known as Dominion Day is when every hardcore Canuck finally sheds his long underwear, hops in his car, and plugs in a Tragically Hip mixed tape in to the deck ( the same Tragically Hip tape he carried on his around the world back packing trip, forcing it on unsuspecting Europeans), and heads down to the beach to play in a Sand Hockey tournament ( because in Canada we play Ice Hockey, Underwater Ice Hockey, Street Hockey, Floor Hockey, Sand Hockey and 3 Down Football).
Enroute we stop at the liquor store to grab a flat of whatever beer serves as the nationalistic rallying cry of the moment (but you can never go wrong with Molson Canadian, the choice of Bob and Doug Mackensie- icons of the golden era of Canadiana).
The sand hockey tournament features 9 teams from around the nation, but is momentarily interrupted while the Ottawa RoughRiders franchise goes bankrupt again. Fortunately there is a second team called the Rough Riders from Saskatchewan to make everything feel right.
After the tournament we pack into the car and go downtown Vancouver where we can smoke weed in a “Coffee Shop” until we are stupid, but we have to stand outside at least 3 meters aways from the door to smoke cigarettes, because that is illegal. After banging some smack at a safe injection site, we all climb Grouse mountain in our North Face gear and scream from the top of the mountain insecurely so all the world can hear, “We are not Americans. …We are Canadians”
Then we all head to the local Hospital for free prostate exams or mamograms
Comments : No Comments »
Tags : Bob and Doug Mackensie, Canada Day, Canadiana, Hockey, THe Tragically Hip, Universal Health Care
Categories : Holidays, Stories That Are 85% True
Teacher Conjures Up a Pink Slip
7 05 2008One Day On The Way To The Beginning of The Spanish Inquisition
AP-You would hope, in a world where Professor Dumbledore can fancy men and Magicians (like Criss Angel) are the new rock stars, that a teacher attempting to get his students attention, long enough so they stop killing each other, would become the inspiration for movie starring Hillary Swank, but no. The only thing Jim Piculas got was fired.
In America’s penis, the state of Florida (the same state that made tens of thousands of ballots disappear in 2000) Jim Piculas, a substitute teacher, has been accused of wizardry for making a toothpick dispenser disappear and reappear in class.
Jim Piculas had this to say about the accusations, ” The Supervisor of Teachers is really an ogre in human form. Fortunately, I had recently won a +3 invisibility cloak at a poker game and I was able to escape.”
The former students (those that are not pregnant) are currently auditioning washed up 90’s bands, looking for an appropriate theme song to stage protests to and organize a town forum which all parent are to attend.
Hootie and the Blowfish could not be reached for comment
The following video represents the proper way to handle suspected witches.
Comments : 3 Comments »
Tags : Criss Angel, Hootie and the Blowfish, Teaching, Wizardry
Categories : Stories That Are 85% True
Never Turn Your Back On A Chicken
30 04 2008Scientists have confirmed a genetic link between dinosaurs and modern birds. This comes as a surprise to the general public, as it has been 15 years since they accepted it as hard fact- because Stephen Spielberg said so in Jurassic Park . This has caused a crisis of faith in the American public. It now worries its beliefs- that sharks eat boats, aliens communicate with Broadway show tunes, and Tom Hanks fought in WWII- are actually based on fabrications and not hard science.
Insiders are concerned this will translate into an 10% overall decrease in tickets sales for the bio-pic about Senator Indiana Jones’ (R) struggle in 1957 with the Godless Communists and Broadway show tune singing aliens, when it is released in May of 2008. Rob Moore, Vice Chairman of Paramount Pictures said:
If the general public does not go to see this movie, or even -more importantly-if they question its historical accuracy, then Osama Bin Laden has already won
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Now that the question, of where dinosaurs evolved from, has been put to rest, scientists from the University of Minnesota are turning there minds to how they were really wiped from the face of the earth. Preliminary results have unearthed a tasty recipe of 11 herbs and spices
Comments : 3 Comments »
Tags : Box Office, Dinosaurs, Steven Spielberg
Categories : Stories That Are 85% True
When Galaxies Collide
30 04 2008A little bit of the old cosmic in/out
This is how Galaxies are born
The Hubble telescope celebrated its 18th birthday by legally downloading interstellar porn. The participating galaxies are 500 light years away but Hubble insists they were at least 18 at the time.
Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags : 69, Hubble Telescope, Space
Categories : Stories That Are 85% True
