Canadians have spoken. Unlike our poor neighbors to the south, who have been engaged in choosing a president for two years already, our  election was a mercifully short 37 days. However, instead of just two people throwing shit at each other in debates, Canadians get  to watch 5 leaders piss all over each other.

True to Canadian inclusiveness our debates feature two parties that could realistically govern( Liberals and Conservatives), a party of irrelevant socialists (the NDP),  a party with no elected MP’s (the Green Party), and a party that only exists to separate from Canada (the Bloc).

The Players

The Frog

Gilles Duceppe leads the Bloc Quebecois, a party whose main tenet is separation from Canada, but they know they will not win another referendum- so they just complain about everything and demand more money until the ruling party gives in, knowing full well they hope to secure more Quebec seats in the next election.

They demand more money from the rest of Canada to spend on fancy hats, poutine, language police, Celine Dion records, and to settle lawsuits  against overly friendly Roman Catholic priests

Succession and revolution has historically involved guns and sacrifice of life, but leave to the French  to annoy the rest of Canada  into throwing Quebec out of confederation ,with taunts while clogging their arteries with deep fried  potatoes smothered in gravy an cheese curds.

The Eco Nut

They have no elected MP’s .  Elizabeth May chose to run in a riding held by a powerful, popular, unbeatable conservative. She whined her way into the debates on a questionable technicality.

In an age with complex issues like: The  Afghan War, The Credit Crisis, Quebec Separation, NAFTA,  and Sustainable Health Care  the Green Party’s solutions begin and end with- Turn off the light, Ride a bus, Plant a Tree.

She has proved that employing Bunny Huggers as political strategists is like sending ballerinas in as foot soldiers in the war in Afghanistan.

Politicians have always been said to talk out of both sides of their mouths. At least it will be easy for May to keep an eye on both sides of her mouth with her independently moving eyes

The Moustache

The NDP claim to be more about the  debate around the “kitchen table”  than the one around tha “board room table”

The only thing that has ever been solved at the Kitchen tablein my family involved my Mother and Father calling each other names (a fat manipulative bitch and an lazy impotent failure, respectively) while knocking back Pilsner  followed by  a nap under said table.

The  NDP’s solution is always tax more and promise to spends billions of dollars they do not have, on shit for lazy bastards. Given there is no hope in hell they will ever be elected there is no need to worry about making realistic promises.

If It looks like Lenin, talks like Lenin and smells like Lenin….. then it is a failed political ideology

Kudos though for being the most telegenic  and charismatic leader in spite of male pattern baldness and a creepy moustache.

The Fool

After 16 years of an unfettered Liberal dictatorship (they relied on a divided right and an understandable fear of little Baptist ministers with squeaky voices) the Liberals reign of pork barrel patronage and outright thievery of billions of dollars came to an end over a few paltry million dollars thrown at Quebec to buy votes (The SponsorshipScandal).

How did the Liberals of Canada choose to rebuild the the public’s shattered confidence in the “Natural Ruling Party” of Canada? It elected a pasty faced book worm with no ability to communicate, in English, the corner stone of its election platform, an overly complex Carbon Tax  that worries more about saving the damn polar bears than stopping the imminent  Global Depression 2.0

The Fruit

Stephen Harper is a cold humourless cardboard cut out of a human being whose attempt to warm up his image, by  pulling a sweater vest (his grandmother gave him 20 years ago) over a blue button down shirt, made him look more like a socially awkward nerd than the leader of the country that claims ownership of the mighty Baffin Island and flexed its military muscle against the invading Danes.

He leads the Conservative Party which is the remnants  of the right wing nutter, morally conservative, homophobic Reform Party from Alberta . The home the environment raping Tars Sands, homeless taunting King Ralph and metaphor riding cowboys.

During a meaningless photo-op in a produce market,a reporter asked Stephen Harper, “If You were a vegetable, what kind of vegetable would you be?’

He responded with  what has to be the most sublime sarcasm ever uttered by a Conservative, “  I think I would be a fruit, brightly coloured and sweet”        “

What Has 2 thumbs and likes fruit? This Guy!

In a bland campaign full of goofball nut jobs, it is ironic that the best humor would come from a stiff, straight-laced, anal retentive policy wonk from Alberta.

Canada has chosen. Another Conservative Minority, which means 3 more years of Stephen Harper trying to buy enough votes in Quebec to get a majority next time.

And if in fact he is a fruit ….. at least he can legally get married in Canada.

Here is the video of that interview