A Pocketful of Paranoid Delusions

Oxbow, Saskatchewan (AP)- In the town of Oxbow, Saskatchewan (pop 1183) local RCMP are searching for a serial killer who they believe has killed 11 people, many of them accountants, over the past 7 years.

RCMP spokesperson Deborah Smilie, said that  circumstantial evidence leads them to think the same killer may also be responsible for the brutal bludgeonings of 3 professional closet organizers, in Estavan SK, over the same period

All of the victims have been bespectacled Caucasian males between the ages 34 and 38 and suffering from male pattern baldness, except for  one white woman simply described as looking  “like a librarian, you know but not the kind you see in porn movies that get all hot when they take their glasses off and let their hair down.”

Edited For Effect

Stanley Winslow of Able Accounting Solutions said, “We have tried to convince the RCMP for years that their was a serial killer praying on the most socially awkward segment of our society, but all they are all the same chuckle heads that tortured  us during phys ed in high school. It is tough to have your concerns heard when you are metaphorically locked in a gym locker with sweat socks.”

The first known attack came in 2001 when 35 year old Herbert Booth was stabbed multiple times with a very sharp number 2 pencil, at his desk in the offices of Advanced Accounting Services in Oxbow, police said.

2 years passed before detectives realized the same weapon was used at least 4 other slayings.

When asked about this case famed retired serial killer profiler John Douglas said, “The suspect  is likely an Asian male between the ages of 23 and 25. It is also very likely his high school years were spent in remedial mathematics. I would not be surprised if the suspect’s  father was one of those freaks that could do any math problems in their heads instantly.”

One can only imagine the taunts an Asian, who could not do math, would suffer- “Why you so bad at math Danny Tran*, I guess that means you are going to have to do laundry or build railroads for a the rest of your life.”

“This is the mind of a maniac, but we have a tight victim profile and a powerful body of evidence that has taken us across the county.”  Smilie said. “The victims are the most socially awkward of society and we know our suspect wants to be involved in the numbers game. Eventually we will find him; The law of averages says so, but our killer will never understand that.”

*all names and statistics pulled directly out of my ass. No accountants were actually hurt during the making of this article