A Pocketful of Paranoid Delusions

On April 22nd 1970, the 100th anniversary of Vladimir Lenin, Senator Gaylord Nelson gave us the first Earth Day. It was robustly celebrated by thousands of schools by millions of people, but was promptly forgotten in a haze of polyester suits, drowned out by disco music and buried under a mountain of cocaine for the next 30 years.

Not satisfied with failing to do anything of consequence with the hole in the Ozone, modern activists hopped on pre-millennial tension bandwagon and started preaching end of the world scenarios, like any descent f ear mongering cult leader.

Still it was a hard idea to sell to a generation with MTV styled attention spans, a taste for disposable electronics, and stupid enough to buy bottled tap water.

There was a meeting at the Earth Day head quarters and it went something like this;

“Bob, it’s getting harder to convince people that packing thousands of people into rallies, which generate thousands of tonnes of garbage-that is recycled ( and by recycled I mean  it is sorted and sent to a local centre compressed, piled in a warehouse then eventually sent to an unknown landfill in Omaha Nebraska at twice the charge), and that buying a crappy hemp  t-shirt with a trite slogan, at an inflated cost , is some how good for the environment..

“ No doubt about that Doug. We need something that will make shallow consumers with short attention spans and $500 designer jeans, feel better about themselves while tying it to a product we can buy stocks in.”

“I got it! Lets shorten it to an Earth Hour. We get everyone to turn their lights off for and hour then tell them to go buy compact fluorescent light bulbs.”

So on Saturday March 28 at 8:30 pm an estimated 1000 000 000 people will  turn off all power in there houses for an hour, in a glorious effort effort to feel better about themselves without doing anything of consequence for the environment.

Some notes and thoughts about Earth Hour

• “That was so fun… I can’t wait to do it next year” … a comment on a video unintentionally promoting the uselessness of this exercise
• Power usage in Calgary went up during that hour last year…. God I love Red necks
• The first wave of CFL light bulbs are finishing their life expectancy this year and landfill are expecting a rise in mercury contamination…. expect mutant seagulls to attack humans in the coming years
• Any environmental movements that do not address the single greatest cause  global warming (Over population) are just hippy-do-goodery masturbation. The only thing that will really solve global warming are global environmental disasters that will reduce the population to a sustainable number…lets say 2.5 billion.
• Organizers will actually achieve their  estimated number of participant this year…. if they include nearly foreclosed middle class households that had there power disconnected due to unpaid bills